i am a human being, and like everyone else, i crave to be loved by other people, but my depression mocks me for having the galls to believe anyone will ever love me. i don't even mean it exclusively in the romantic sense (though it does apply too; i wonder how my first kiss will taste like), but in the platonic sense too. brotherhood and kinship escape me, they even evade me like the plague.
i don't think i am physically unattractive, but i do know my personality is unattractive, which is somehow worse. with this i am not saying i am unworthy of love, i don't believe that. i mean that my goals in life and my way of being is not what is expected of human beings. i have extremely niche interests, i am weird and my only purpose in life is to collect the biggest spectrum of experiences, good and bad. i only plan to observe the universe to its fullest. i am not the kind of person that attracts other people in this world, though; no talents, no charisma, no ambitions, no dreams of a career, awards and boats.
i love myself, i adore my weird quirky self. but so far nobody else has loved my weird quirky self. i know there's lot of people in this big and wide planet, but it seems like i don't have the skills to find the people who will like me, those who will be glad to make me part of their life. and considering my age, i feel like it's too late to develop those skills. i have become stagnant, stuck in a state that's left me unable to develop deep, meaningul and reciprocal connections with other human beings.
but i think that's okay, somehow. getting rid of the desire to form deep connections with others has made me happier with those small-talk friendships whom only talk to me about the weather or their job, with those classmates who only acknowledge me when i awkwardly joun the bigger groups at my college classrooms. there's joy and kinship to be found in these interactions too, and it's one of the biggest lessons i've learned in the last few years.
but still, i can't help but crave to be deeply loved by other people. not mere appreciation, but real love. i want to be seen. am i just asking too much?
the approach i'm taking now is to love myself. and with "love" i mean romantic love. i flirt with myself and i tell myself i'm beautiful, even if i don't recognize any beauty in the mirror. i have lots of love buried in my heart, and i always wanted to share this love with someone else. now, i try to give it to my own self. there's days when i really want to die and my body weighs more than a thousand pounds, making me unable to get out of my bed. then, i ask myself "what would i do if the love of my life felt like this?" and i realize that i would support them. i would do everything to get them out of bed, help them bathe and make some food for them. so i get out of bed, i bathe myself and make myself some food.
there's some days when loneliness hurts, though. i always see stories of people madly in love with each other; of touching the lips of the person you would die for, feeling that person's chest and not caring if the world ends, as long as you're in their arms. stories of the joy of hanging out with like-minded people, and just being up at 3am enjoying each other's presence, all while appreciating the celestial beauty of the stars. these are experiences i will never live, and it hurts. it makes me feel like this whole philosophy is just a coping mechanism. a fruitless attempt to escape the pain of not knowing what love feels like.
but what would i do if the love of my life felt like this?...
i would hug them and tell them that it's gonna be okay. so i just tell myself that i'm gonna be okay.
"you think you might find community, a sense of connection to something bigger, but you don't. in fact, you feel more alone than you did before you left … but you survive. you learn that you can survive being alone.”
—bojack horseman, season 5 episode 2.
(audio: lovesliescrushing - babysbreath)